A Lantern in the Dark

“Faith means living with uncertainty – feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark”. -Dan Millman 

The last two weeks have been some of the toughest I’ve seen.  At times I think I forgot how to breathe and felt like I was being torn apart inside. On the outside, I hid it well and remained strong. I kept running, writing and moving forward despite the fact I was being torn apart inside by worry, uncertainty and fear.

Sunset on Lake Harriet

I am a fighter. I’ve always been. I learned early in life through hard times to never ever give up and never lose sight of the hope. I’m not a religious person but I am spiritual and I do have faith. I said my prayers to that great being and held onto the only thing I thought would give me strength. My prayer beads that I got blessed from a 95-year-old monk living in the Himalayas of Nepal.

Monk in Manang Nepal

Being blessed by a 94-year-old monk who lives in a cave monastery at 13,000 feet near Manang.

I had carried those beads with me throughout my journey hiking in the mountains of Nepal holding them tight and believing they would get me safely home. I did, and the beads laid wrapped around the framed pictures of my two beloved children as my way of protecting them. I knew it was silly but no one knew about why they were there except me.

Pokhara Nepal

Before I left home last week, I gently placed the beads inside my purse and brought them along. I was heading on another journey; a journey into the unknown. For some inexplicable reason, the beads were the only thing that seemed to give me strength.  During times in which the weight of the world seemed to hard to bare, I grabbed the beads and placed them inside my pocket.  It was my little secret way of trying to give me the mental power to overcome whatever obstacle I would face.


Yesterday, after two months of worry, dread, anxiety and hope, we finally got an answer to what has cast an ugly, dark shadow over our lives.  Everything was going to be ok. I took the beads out of my pocket and finally placed them back where they belong. I hope I won’t need them again for a long, long time.

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe”. – Voltaire


    • Yes, I’m trying. I finally got a full night sleep and feel practically human. My parents said I wear my heart on my sleeve. My face is an open book to my soul. Now I can start smiling once again. 🙂

  1. Jennifer

    Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord. After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.” The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

  2. I am thrilled for you and your family. Thank you once again, Nicole for your strength to open up and express your vulnerabilities. Very touching post. It made me want to clap with joy and wear my necklace given to me by a Peruvian shaman and healer.

  3. Oh, Nicole, this is wonderful news! Absolutely wonderful news! I’m so happy for you and your family–though “happy” isn’t the right word. Those beads have blessed you, as you have blessed us!

    Hugs from Ecuador,

  4. anotherjennifer

    So happy to hear that things are looking up. I hope those beads stay in their place for a long time.

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